$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
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Normalize the Christmas piñata so you can “miss” and whack Uncle Frank who’s being a dickwad.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
I’m not sure why this works, but it does. LMAO
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
If you drink a lot of water, you won’t have time for other people’s drama because you’ll be too busy looking for a bathroom.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.