Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.

me: well, which is it?

I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.

[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music

I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.

It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine

Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick

Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?

Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age

Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older

The range on this guy!

Yaba daba do not resuscitate

Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches

Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.

I milked the cow

“We don’t have a cow”

the neighbors’ cow then

“Their cat?”

Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo

“Meow”

Ah shoot

ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.

[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.

It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.

Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.

them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz

*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.

When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!

[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]

“May I have this dance?”

[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]

[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.

I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken

Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.

The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.

If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.

Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.

* Wins lottery

* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades

I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.

Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”

Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.