Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[pet store]

me: are the birds expensive?

employee: they’re going cheap

me: I know how they work

Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.

Simple enough.

Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.

How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.

I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.

I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.

I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.

Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.

Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.

Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.

I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong

[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too

Naked and Afraid,

but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.

“Do you have a good reason for calling your wedding off?”
“I can’t say I do”

Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.

If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.

Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community

When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?

“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.

I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed

[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.

why does this building look like a guilty dog

[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to

it’s the cirrrrrrrrrrrrrcle of liiiiife

ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle

People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”

People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”