Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sees woman reading]

“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”

My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5

*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*

“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”

I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.

[white house staff meeting]

Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*

[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter

I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.

I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”

When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…

[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,

Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit

When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.

The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.

The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.

My stupid belt shrunk again today.

So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..

Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?

wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly

me: u didn’t even turn it on

Sure, it was awkward when my phone went off in church and started playing “Highway to Hell,” but I wouldn’t say it RUINED your mother’s funeral.

Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.

Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?

– my brain at 2:00 am

It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic

For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.

kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can

I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.

My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.

Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”

I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.

[job interview]

him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol

I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer

Movie theater: Please silence your phones.

Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*

Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.

Me: Fake?