Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Compass

STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius

The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.

Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today

turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU

Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.

Same pineapple, same

I’m dying louder than usual today.

Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now

A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.

*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*

Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.

Job interview…

HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.

I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second

Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.

Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.

Friend: I haven’t used it yet.

*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*

13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.

[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]

All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.

Meth is short for Elizameth.

Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.

You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.

The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.

ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.

ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*

Him: Did you poop in the shower?

Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?

H: Well who else could it be?

M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?

H: Oh that makes more sense.

In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.

I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.

God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?

Cat:

God:

Cat:

God: *creates dogs*

A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.

confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU

Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.

Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?

Brad Pitt: Let him stay.