10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
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Me: [Donating my body to science.]
Science: [Donating my body to Goodwill.]
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
Asked my mom what her birthday plans were and she told me she’s disappointed In me bc I don’t have a wife?? 💔
Correlation???
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Got drunk and hugged the Domino’s delivery driver again …. There goes that New Years Resolution.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
The original Alien is the best because of the smoking. No futuristic nicotine delivery. Just blasting cigs around all that sensitive space equipment. That’s the direction technology advanced: to allow cigarettes in spacecrafts.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
