10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
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As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
never trust a guy who wants you to try out for a boy band in a motel off the jersey turnpike.
i know this now.
Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you
I forgot how to panic. Help
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Most of your problems would disappear if you just turned off your phone. And I know you know that. But not me, bubba. I got jokes to write.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.