10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
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Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys