Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots

Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are

(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight

Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name

I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.

My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.

Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?

no. that was two husbands ago. my great, great ex husband

Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*

6yo: Are we there yet?

trying to be cute today but my face isn’t cooperating

I’m steeping a pot of lavender mint tea, whilst higher than a pterodactyl’s pee pee,
and I love this for me.

I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.

I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.

Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.

Flex on your dentist by asking if they’re free on a random Tuesday 6 months from now

“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”

~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad

Don’t you dare flirt with me.

Yet.

Okay now.

Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach

I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas

If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.

Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever

General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet

I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.

Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…

I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”

Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”

Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.

*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*

Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working

Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?

Son:

Me:

Son: Where’s mom?

These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.

I call my wife “Wordle”

She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.

MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?

EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom