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COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.