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Priest: They’ve written their vows

Wife: *recites beautiful vows*

Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount


Hangs a sign on front door that says “Robbery in progress – Please do not disturb” to deter burglars


Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…


Computer: choose a password

Me: mysocks

Computer: confirm password

Me: mysocks

Computer: passwords do not match


[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudges

Me: And how is my eraser?


If you accept small grammatical errors, decent society collapses and then everyone starts marrying dogs. That’s what happened to Australia.


Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’


Puts German chocolate in the fridge last night, this morning it’s taken over the area that the polish sausage was in..


A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.


Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.

Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.

Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?