Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”

i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.

I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead

On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.

Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.

*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.

“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”

AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA

cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil

School be like

My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.

You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.

Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.

an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??

My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.

Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.

My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.

Beauty and the Beast

[High school reunion]

Person: “I don’t remember you.”

Me: *starts crying*

Person: “Now I remember you.”

Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?

I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.

I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog

*steals machine parts all year*

*gets coal for xmas*

“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”

*turns coal into diamond*

This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”

I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted

Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit

I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.

guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”

Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that

Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.

Me: How do I beat the bully?

Dad: Just punch him

Me: I am not doing that

Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him

Me: So like an uppercut?

My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.