I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
You Might Also Like
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.