10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
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[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
black phone good
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Me: Makes a Reddit post about my efforts to avoid arguing about politics with my parents over Thanksgiving.
Reddit users: Yeah, but you probably want to argue politics with strangers, right? Because I’m angry about the following things…
Nope, no thank you.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
“listen to your body” ok but my body stopped talking to me after I tried to cure my depression with donuts
“What are you going to wear today?”
Sunscreen and the weight of everyone else’s expectations.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
At my last colonoscopy I had the doctor write a note to my wife stating that my head was NOT up there…
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh