10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
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Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
(finding some nice fresh limbs) nice… these will be perfect for my frankenstein
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
me: i gave you the wrong mixtape
gf: all of these songs are about eating a sandwich
me: i know
gf: how are there so many
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Who does Amazon think I am?
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
being a latchkey kid was sad but kids who had a parent home to greet them never got to live in that lawless two hours where you could eat something weird and you and your brother could hit each other
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.