10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
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Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Hurricane heading this way guys, may lose power & cell service for awhile, so if I should happen to disappear, don’t buy the media’s bullshit, I was not abducted by aliens or taken on a cross country crime spree by some Hooter’s Waitresses… I don’t have that kinda luck.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
I grew up in a time where your mother’s saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
i saw someone a few weeks ago say “if brain eating bacteria got into your head it would starve” and i’ve been saying it to people since. just incredible. a really great insult
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Me: [Making an alarmingly bad decision after making a lot of good choices for a while] treat yourself
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.