10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
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I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
He wanted to make sure😂
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
beware of dog
(jukin media)
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
