Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.

Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent

Me: my tooth hurts when I suck

Dentist: so you’re in constant pain

Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.

Sniffing the broccoli

Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity

I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people

So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…

My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”

How many calories are in Twitter beef?

My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.

instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship

I love when the restaurant bathroom has different music playing than the restaurant. It’s like I’m going to Club Pee Pee

just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”

in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground

skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury

‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.

me: “spends hours with my favourite person”

me as soon as they leave:

He-man has a Masters degree

Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.

Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles

Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.

M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos

H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee

More people would get the booster if it came with fries.

I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”

My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.

Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.

The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.