10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
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People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Dolls on drugs
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
This dad at the mall is confidently pushing an empty stroller like “I’ve got this” and there’s a toddler 20 feet behind trying to catch up
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……