Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?

fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever

Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.

I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!

A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.

Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.

What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not

Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?

If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”

everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have

One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.

Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:

No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble

My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.

[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan

[doorbell rings]

Me: [opens door] yes?

Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]

I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.

*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky

We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.

This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.

Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.

Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch

I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.

Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar

Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?

Asking for a friend. x

Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.

Sheep to the left of me. Cows to the right. Here I am. Stuck on a bus with a view.

guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy

guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop

Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.

got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not