10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
You Might Also Like
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
dark side of the loom
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Me, in DM rooms…
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/