Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.

I have a pun about carpentry.

but Im not sure if it woodwork…

Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals

interviewer: why are there so many huge gaps on your resume

me: honestly i’m still sorta figuring out microsoft word

6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?

Me: Only if you want food and shelter.

6: *carefully considers her options*

I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.

“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”

me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it

if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito

The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos

I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.

They say sex is the best for of exercise.

Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.

*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*

[at the shooting range]

Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.

Officer: Perfect.

*makes him a stormtrooper*

In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.

I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.

Hear me out: WrestleVania

A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation

I’m spending today at the third day of a three day antiques fair. I waited until the third day because I wanted the antiques to be as old as possible.

This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would

If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.

If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.

“We could do that, or…”

Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.

[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.

Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.

I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.

Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.

I fell off a podium in front of 200 people after doing a reading at my uncle’s funeral, hobbled back to my pew with a swollen sprained ankle, sat down turned to my son and he asked me for a snack

If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.

I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.