10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
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Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
The single bravest thing you can do over 40, is go somewhere in the cold with a full bladder
I get so stressed trying to keep track of all my Christmas vouchers. I wish there was a universal voucher you could spend anywhere. Maybe it could have the king’s face on it and come in different denominations.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
My wife gave me an Oura ring.
Every night at 9 it tells me it’s time to get ready for bed.
It tells me when I should get up and walk around, and when I should relax.Is my wife outsourcing?
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.