10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
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(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating.”
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Please be delicate with me I’m built like a Nature Valley bar
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Don’t make me out nice you.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
[poorly lit restaurant]
me: I can’t see the menu
wife: just ask the waiter to bring some candles
me: no I want food
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before