10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
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girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Sometimes I read the stupidest shit in here then realize I wrote it
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
i’m laughing very hard in real life
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU