Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability

The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:

How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed

[creation of bats]

God: stretch out that mouse

Husband: *gently taps me on the shoulder before l’ve had my first cup of coffee*

Me:

I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.

Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.

Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.

I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.

Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.

It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?

[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?

My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”

I might be drinking too much…

Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha

Batman: *pulls out batarangs*

Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?

Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham

Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol

Batman: me too!

[both eye last carton]

My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔

BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired

Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs

[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]

Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”

me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”

of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool

I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.

*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.

Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee

All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.

Somedays I feel like running away.

Then I remember how much I hate running.

[1st date]

*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*

*but also, be sensitive*

I like to work with my hands,

But splinters make me cry.

A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.

*Creating bees*

God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.

Angel: Sure thing, boss.

God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time

Statistics Magic: We interviewed 2000 people that have
played Russian Roulette 🔫 before. All 100% of them survived the game.
💯

Conclusion: Russian Roulette is completely safe to play!
🎯 🥳

#stats

*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.

Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?

Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?

Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.