10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
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Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
I feel like one of these would kill a European
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
New nose
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch