10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
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[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
my one true gender
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Ugh but profoundly
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop