10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
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Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
“what’s your ideal vacation?”
dropping my family off at the airport and going back home alone for 7 days.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
tub, pail, can, vat, jug, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, bowl…
…. making a bucket list
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.