Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that

My Kids: Close enough

*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home

Tree:

Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house

Tree: oh no

Tree Doctor: you have humans

This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.

Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.

John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*

Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.

Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”

Finish the sentence here:

📷: elevasseur

I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.

When I said I start work at 6:30 am I meant that I sit at my desk and drink coffee. I didn’t mean that I wanted you to schedule a meeting at that time I hate you now.

Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game

Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac

Me: I’m over it

[halftime, 2 beers later]

TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶

Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?

[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?

Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.

when someone dies in the hospital and they put a sheet over them that’s just bc they’re preparing them for being a ghost

*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*

So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.

The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.

Not recommended for beginners.

Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.

I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE

*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*

One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”

facebook is down so i am having to improvise

The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.

If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂

I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.

*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*

One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.

CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.

Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath

I hate it when people call me judgemental

Especially people wearing shoes like that

Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids

ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?

I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.