Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough

him: sorry, but—

m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?

h: *sighs, pours*

m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please

h: now may I go back to giving communion?

Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.

*first day as an accountant*

me: so where are the ants?

I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.

The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’

Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.

Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.

Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.

No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.

Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.

Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work

dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit

You don’t need to explain yourself if you carry a chainsaw.

[on date]

Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.

Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.

i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly

This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.

I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car

*gives you a knife

*points to the toaster

*Game Character Treatment Center*

Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here

Pac-Man: Binge eating

Lara Croft: Kleptomania

Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets

Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!

And that is how marriage works.

People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”

I threw some bird seed on my lawn earlier and now there are dozen of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow

Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.

In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.

[blind date]

Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?

Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.

I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.

Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today

I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.

10: will be a teacher

5: a doctor

3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.

Every time I buy something now

✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day

One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house

My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.