10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
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me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
everyone has that one prude friend
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Glen Powell is short for Gleneth Powelltrow
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!