10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
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Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
My roommate is looking for a summer subletter and a dad responded on his nineteen year old son’s behalf.
He described his son as “very mature”.
Sir, if you are figuring out your adult son’s roommate situation for him, he is not “very mature”.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
I just can’t think what this suitcase is the best thing since?
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see