10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
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[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!
Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.
this post was so formative to me
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
You can tickle the penguins
And get them to laugh
You can just sing a song
To amuse the giraffes
Just a little soft-shoe
Will delight the woodchucks
But try as you might
You can’t
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT