10-year-old: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
Me: We can have ice cream after dinner.
10: Dinner will ruin my appetite.
You Might Also Like
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?
Tequila mockingbird.
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
banker: you’re spending more than you bring in
me: god forbid i’m good at something
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Him: There’s a snake in the house. Do you want to stay at my mom’s?
Me: How big is the snake?
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
tarot lady: someone wants to talk to you
me: stop threatening me
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.