Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?

Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?

My retirement plan is to become a cat.

this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one

Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.

imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from

The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat

gollum: *coughs on ring*

frodo: you know what, keep it

Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.

when unicorns get really drunk

He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.

Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one

last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes

Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake

“Oh, insomnia?”

No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?

We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.

Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.

Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!

*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*

Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.

Two out of three ain’t bad.

i have a mamma skunk with babies living under my deck so don’t talk to me about moral dilemmas

UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality

NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.

Confused yet?

me: uhhh what did you do?

9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!

I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg

*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months

Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.

I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.

out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted

If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.

I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.

i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body

Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻

Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?

I only say stupid things when I talk.