Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”

everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓

GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.

ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?

HER: Yes. Yes it is.

Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking

Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.

[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”

[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.

Please, if you ever offer me a snack and I say no, ask me again, I didn’t mean it the first time

[first day in the Mafia]

Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked

Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?

Me: oh no

I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.

*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.

I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.

My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”

I’m locking my bedroom door tonight

Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.

We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.

Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…

The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom

‘Bring your child to work day’ discriminates against those of us who choose not to have a job.

Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.

Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?

Him: A scientist?

Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?

Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date

My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.

I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.

I eat them now.

Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.

PATENT PENDING!!

*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*

When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.

Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.

My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?

*(whispering)they’re both the same

People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.

Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out

Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?

3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*

Me:

Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”