Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves

It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.

Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.

Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.

Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“

Me: He’s trying to silence me.

Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.

“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.

Sunday, slutty Sunday.

an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard

If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…

5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner

I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, “It’s pronounced ‘quiche’, dear.”

It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.

Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.

My boss said to me,
“Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages?”
I said, “It’s because I’m allergic to fcuking peanuts!”

I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky

They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.

Me: I got the vaccine!

MIL: I’m coming for a visit

Me: I don’t want it anymore!

BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.

Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?

BFF: I hate you.

my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity

My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”

I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.

Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”

Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president

wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees

Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea

Fish in the sea:

[fast food management]

“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”

“What about ketchup?”

“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”

87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.

For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.

doctor: i have your blood test here
 
me: and?
 
doctor: you failed

Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.

Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort

[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages

Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk