10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
You Might Also Like
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony