10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
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*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
‘m developing a new fragrance for introverts
It’s called “Leave me the fuh cologne”
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Is your wife single?
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
sooo many straight people never talk to their exes and sooooo many queer people are like “this is my ex-girlfriend we share custody of our dog Skippy she’s the godmother of my children oh and also we own a bar together”
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I love The Wizard of Oz but all of Dorothy’s problems would have been prevented if she just kept Toto on a leash
Today’s weather from Yorkshire