Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.

Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.

Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.

Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner

Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.

her: i love croissants

me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too

Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore

You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.

They’re on their honeymoon

5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?

me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves

Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.

My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days

Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.

The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.

[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance

ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this

My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun

*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!

Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.

Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!

Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack

Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage

Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM

Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever

My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.

We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to

He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets

*eats 14th Oreo cookie*

You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.

Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue

Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.

me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”

pitch: he’s a man who’s a doctor

tv execs: go on

pitch: but he is better than other doctors

tv execs: *nodding enthusiastically*

pitch: because of his Condition

tv execs: *sobbing, screaming, foaming at the mouth* this must be the only kind of show on the air from now on

what’s the point then??