Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10

me: ok

[later]

me: hey grandma

grandma: hello dear

me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842

This kitten is just what my house needed.

Another female that doesn’t listen to me.

This rain has ruined my weekend plans. I shouldn’t have left them in the garden.

Doctor: Questions?

Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?

Him:

Me

Him: She’s a baby

Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.

Food delivery driver here, time is money so no need to stand behind your front door for a few minutes pretending that you’ve not just been staring out your window looking for us for the last 20 minutes and yes we saw your curtains twitching

*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*

There are two types of people in this world:

1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once

2)Liars

[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body

1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”

don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags

When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.

I’ll be honest. I can’t solve your problems. What I can do is create new, bigger problems that will make your current problems seem quaint by comparison.

Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook

If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.

Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.

Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.

Judge, “Don’t.”

Me, “I rest my case.”

(At war) you guys mind if I leave a bit early today?

How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it

Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.

[text]

Her: I picked up buffalo wings.

Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting

[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries

To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.

You are my people.

Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:

1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab

whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary

*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.

Please. My avocado. It is so sad.

good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here

bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it

good cop: god he is so bad at everything

Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you

When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.

The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.