10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
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When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
Possums basically just grow until they die so if u see a really big possum that is an elder and u should be respectful or u will not see the kingdom of heaven
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
