10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
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If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
It is a shame that nothing is built in America anymore. I just bought a TV that said: “Built in Antenna”.
I don’t even know where that is.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
me
Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
Person: Home decor is a niche market.
Me: Baked flan with a savory filling thickened with eggs is a quiche market.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Me: Was it good for you?
Her: You’re cleaning up this confetti