Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.

[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]

School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet

I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.

I think this cat is broken

I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.

[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”

me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?

sean bean: you want my autograph or not?

me: I do, shawn bawn.

Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.

My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.

Lots of bills lately. I might have to sell a kidney. Haven’t decided whose yet.

You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.

That’s a good costume, I hope.

My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.

My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.

Strange things: the prequel

Stranger things

2 Stranger 2 Things

Strangest Threengs

Strangfour th4ngs

5tranger Thing5

Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift

Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.

Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.

hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.

me: no problem i’ll just wash them.

hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.

God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”

Frog: “ribbit”

God: “haha, alright man”

if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle

My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard

But only one at a time because quarantine

The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash

one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague

Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.

♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫

Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.

Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.

My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?

[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.

My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔