10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
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Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
woke up in the middle of the night with an incredible idea, notes app this morning says “sparkling cream cheese”
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
They ALWAYS scream at you when it’s raining like it’s your fault😂
