Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

Domino’s : we said 30 min or less

Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?

Child: Why are you on the computer if it’s your day off?
Me: What else am I going to do?
Child: I dunno. Old people stuff?
Me:
Child: Knit a sweater. Yell at cars. Forget why you walked into a room.
Me: Mom is going to come home to one less kid.

I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!

I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro

I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.

mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places

If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following

I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.

I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.

‘I have a migraine’
– An Italian farmer after harvest.

I’ve had so much tea trying to get rid of this cold that I’m now speaking with a British accent and am fascinated with the Royal family.

Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?

My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire

I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.

I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li

bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs

Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps

There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.

So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh

College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.

Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.

Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.

The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.

Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about

Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.

Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office

I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.

What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.

Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”

Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”