10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
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*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
“Church is like prison for me: they can’t keep me out.”
– Midnight, a church friend
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet