10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
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Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
The Nobel Prizes are being announced this week, and once again, I have been snubbed. I’m starting to think they don’t even have a Nobel Prize in little internet jokes.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
Highway cops are so childish. Oh you’re hiding behind a bush in your Ford Escape? Gonna pop out and chase me? Grow up
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
NASA has no chill
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
the lady behind me in line at the grocery store saw my lil cake and was like ‘oh whats the occasion?’ maam the occasion is i have adult money and enjoy cake
So I am at work and my wife calls. Tells me she grabbed my chocolate Oreos by mistake, which she hates. Separated one, saw her mistake, put it back together and back in the bag. So if I find one a little off centered not to worry about it.
This is my life.