Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*

Map: I have a boyfriend

Don’t talk down to me

They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.

if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done

life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women

Okey dokey.

NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:

You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay

I put the “pro” in inappropriate

Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩

chumbawamba: I get knocked down

me: so relatable

chumbawamba: but I get up again

me: oh nevermind

remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you

My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.

Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.

*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the

[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?

ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?

GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.

they finally got him. they got macavity

My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.

The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.

Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?

[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]

Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.

9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge

Me: yes

9: you gonna cook it?

Me: yes

9: I love you

Me: I know

I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house

me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?

priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific

partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard

me: yep

partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire

me: that’s right

partygoer: where did you two meet

me: tall chair store

You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.

I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.

I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.

I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.

At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.