Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.

“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.

typical orange cat and void cat behavior

My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”

Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.

Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician

[being stabbed]

me: please, just do one thing for me…

murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today

23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?

*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top

Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.

If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.

Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:

G
O
A
W
A
Y

And I am here for that energy.

Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”

My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.

bird to holiday ratio:

thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.

I was an only child but still refer to myself as the good-looking one.

I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.

“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”

#SixWordHorror

ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*

ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5

[boiling pot]

dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off

Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.

*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*

Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.

[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed

I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?

Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof

If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.

That’s probably where I’m selling it at.

Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery

Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.

You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe

losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story