Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.

7: can we have an awake-over tonight?

me: an awake-over?

7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep

Friends: Come have a drink with us!

Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.

Friends: C’mon, just one!

Me: Okay, maybe just one…

[ 11 drinks later ]

Me:

i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.

[creation of bats]

God: stretch out that mouse

[1st day as judge]

Murderer: [waves at me]

Me [waves back]: He seems nice

Lawyer: He killed six people

Me: He probably didn’t mean it

If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.

My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok

I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you

Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer

If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.

No, YOU’RE a child!

Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?

[Phone Call]

Me: My hair has never been this long before

Her: How does it look?

Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…

Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…

Me: …with a big bald spot on top.

Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain

Dr: Are you sexually active?

Me: *cries*

Dr: Um, are you sexually-

Me: *cries harder*

Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?

Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK

Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.

💀😭

Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans

Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.

Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.

What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car

age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing

If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.

I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.

I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.

My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.

We go on tour in the fall.

Wow. It’s a good thing UPS hid this under the doormat for me so no one would steal it…

TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir

(Entering heaven)

Jesus: You made it! One last piece of admin, can you show me your draft tweets?

Me: Ok so I just go down the stairs and keep going until warm right?

It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.