Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids

This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.

stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before

stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books

*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*

shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”

Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.

Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup

Breaking up

(be mature, be mature, be mature)

Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.

“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.

My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.

when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak

Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.

today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit

[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.

Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself

I’m taking my teen driving so if I don’t make it back just know my last words were probably “HIT THE F’ING BRAKE!!!”

Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.

Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!

To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0

My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.

careful fellas!

when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.

*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*

Me: This is going to be so great.

*sleeps for 4 hours*

My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.

[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]

I guess it’s time to shave for summer.

When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.

I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.

Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock

“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.

It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹

Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]

7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE

Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.

Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.