10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
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I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
✌🏽
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.