The Thanksgiving I was 37, I was dating a 45 year old guy, and my sister (who was 33) was dating the 25 year old son of the guy I was dating.
Partway through Thanksgiving dinner, my dad got up, went outside and mowed my sister’s yard to calm himself down.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
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How is “Shark spotted swimming off the coast” news worthy?
Now if a shark was seen walking off the coast that’s different.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
4yo: we have a weed farm!
Me: weedS in our yard
Lady: *rapidly walks away*
Me: MY KIDS DON’T GET HIGH
2yo: I get high *jumps*
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.