10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.

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Alien: This is candy corn?

Me: Yeah

A: But it doesn’t look like-

Me: I know

A: And it tastes like-

Me: I know

A: So this is kinda like grape soda

Me: There ya go


I love that the boat is stuck because every other piece of global news is so hard to comprehend or explain.

The boat? It’s just stuck. Stuff won’t go. Boat needs to be not stuck. That’s it.


Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up


Dollar Tree clerk asked me to fill out a survey to maybe win a $500 gift card and I was like I don’t need to own a whole dollar store thanks


this one has claws

This one swims but can’t fly

This one is huge & runs funny

This one bangs his head against trees

– god making birds


lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit

officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk

floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*


“Let’s agree to disagree.”

TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.


Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless


[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your leg

Patient: It’s only a sore throat!

Me: I just really want to try out my new saw