Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.

A little bit of chocolate just melted on my hotel room bed and the more you try to explain that to housekeeping the more it seems like that’s not chocolate.

Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.

I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.

My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.

Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.

“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.

The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”

Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.

[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]

Me: what is this

Climate: change

me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare

principal: where’s your pants?

This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.

[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one

[Oreo meeting]

What about ‘sextuple stuffed’

“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”

[later googling Sextuple]

“Omg that’s genius”

If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either

Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.

I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.

For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.

This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.

When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow

Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.

If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”

me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.

me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH

13: can I play video games?

ME: yep

WIFE: nope

ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice

“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.

So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!

Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.

A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time

Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.