wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
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Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Don’t make me out nice you.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
#Caturday
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.