@weinerdog4life

100% legal to pay a kid to punch another kid in the face.

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@Skoogeth

me: righty tighty lefty loosey

frankenstein: stop

@FormerGrunt

Stupidity is dangerous, and thanks to social media we have managed to weaponize it.

@iwearaonesie

wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!

@markleggett

You can eat up to three spiders every night in your sleep, except on “cheat days” when you can eat as many as you like.

@JasonLastname

“Chivalry isn’t dead,” I say, watching one zombie hold the door open for another.

@AnniemuMary

Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.

@rcromwell4

Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.

@IndecisiveJones

[pediatricians office]

8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!

Me: Please don’t say it like that.