@weinerdog4life
@Skoogeth
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
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@Skoogeth
@FormerGrunt
Stupidity is dangerous, and thanks to social media we have managed to weaponize it.
@Iwriteforcats
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
@iwearaonesie
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
@markleggett
You can eat up to three spiders every night in your sleep, except on “cheat days” when you can eat as many as you like.
@ShortSleeveSuit
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
@JasonLastname
“Chivalry isn’t dead,” I say, watching one zombie hold the door open for another.
@AnniemuMary
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
@rcromwell4
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
@IndecisiveJones
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.