@weinerdog4life
@AbbyHasIssues
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
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@AbbyHasIssues
@ch000ch
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
@JohnHilsen
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
@weismanjake
My cat just walked by me carrying a toy mouse I don’t remember buying her. Women be shoppin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
@delsinsfire
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
@Ristolable
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
@TheAlexNevil
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
@longwall26
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
@hamspamtymaam
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
@envydatropic
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy