@weinerdog4life

100% legal to pay a kid to punch another kid in the face.

You Might Also Like

@AbbyHasIssues

I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

@ch000ch

hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her

@JohnHilsen

When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.

@weismanjake

My cat just walked by me carrying a toy mouse I don’t remember buying her. Women be shoppin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

@delsinsfire

There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD

1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II

2) Smork Dirtbag

@TheAlexNevil

The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops

@longwall26

Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End

@hamspamtymaam

A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.