me: righty tighty lefty loosey
100% legal to pay a kid to punch another kid in the face.
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Stupidity is dangerous, and thanks to social media we have managed to weaponize it.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
You can eat up to three spiders every night in your sleep, except on “cheat days” when you can eat as many as you like.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
“Chivalry isn’t dead,” I say, watching one zombie hold the door open for another.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.