[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
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playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
I want what they have
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
fun fact: nike is short for nichael