Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist

[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat

[Art Museum]

Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.

Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING

HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car

gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

The dead guy in my trunk?

Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?

hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment

FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?

It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.

[Date]

Me: tell me about yourself

Her: I’m really vegan

Me: oh no

Her: and I have a kid

Me: oh no

Her: his name is Kale

Me: ohhh noo

I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.

[Tattoo Parlor]

Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.

Calf: *nervous mooing*

Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers

I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.

-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.

I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.

Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69

Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy

4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?

Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?

4: No reason.

Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon

[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me

“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”

~me before I’m about to not be cool.

*flips bird*

*buys another bird with the profits*

“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”

Commas can make a world of difference…

They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff

Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,

Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?

You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma

me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?

5: nothing…I don’t have scissors

me: you guys sell gift cards?

funeral parlor director: what?

What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?