100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
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Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
Why is it that every time I set foot in a post office with any sense of urgency at all there’s a guy directly in front of me trying to mail an aardvark to his cousin in Peru or some shit? Never fails.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.