Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie

I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.

According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…

Without the receipt, apparently.

telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life

Microplastics are a waste of time. I’m going straight to eating whole milk jugs

This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses

Good neighbors never bother you.

Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.

Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*

4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.

Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.

My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.

Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”

Me: “that’s a goat.”

Son: “Why?”

Me: …

Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.

*ernest hemingway voice*

WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China

ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.

Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you

Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell

Police:

Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.

In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.

Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?

Me: that’s bananas.

I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.

I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.

In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.

4: I wanna watch Sing 2!

hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.

4: not today.

If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.

I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”

Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.

My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day

thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie

wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic

me: I said NEXT pandemic