Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.

I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.

“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak

“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus

Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.

Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?

two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???

My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.

Have kids, they said.

Do I have to wear real clothes?

-my kid on the last day of school

I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up

Mornin. * use accordingly

MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.

Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….

Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit

DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property

Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?

Coldplay.

Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.

Listen, when there’s a global outage of computer services and my workplace is entirely unaffected, it’s just really really unfair to me.

Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.

Thick flies save lives.

Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.

Wife: Who gets the raptors?

My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.

Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.

I coughed and I heard his pee stop.

I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm

Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.

Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…

[rearranges letters]

“BIRAC UBOMA”

[audience gasps]

sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better

The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair

*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*

Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…

My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’

Same, kid. Same.

My wife must be the slowest reader ever.

I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.

What’s a more polite term to call a druggie?

His Highness

I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.