100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
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Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
If you know, you know
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
How to properly lift a body
casually asking “how do you think you’d do as a pole vaulter” on a first date
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
If it’s half price I consider the calories are half off too
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go