100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
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Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
My car is making strange noises but it’s just me singing.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right