100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
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my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Raise your hand if you’ve ever tried to breathe quieter while walking up a hill so strangers didn’t call 911 to put you on life support
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
I never give second chances, just 45 and then goodbye
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics