100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
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Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
[in court during a murder trial]
hotdog vendor: HOOTTT DOOGGG
me: right here
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Everyone thinks they’re a badass until seaweed brushes their leg.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
181.
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If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.