Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.

people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so

“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”

The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.

Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.

The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.

At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.

I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible

I think about this cartoon a lot.

LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit

confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?

*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]

I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.

Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.

I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.

[god creating sharks]

angel: what is this?

god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense

Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.

[sex]

GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out

I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide

I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,

“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”

It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.

Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.

They say college doesn’t prepare you for real life but it taught me how to get vomit out of practically anything and as a parent that’s literally my most valuable skill

If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.

I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.

If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.

Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.

[one tweet gets 10 likes]

me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.

*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*

[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff

Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh