100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
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5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
Owl Sanctuary
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.