@Ristolable: 100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you're within five miles of anything right now, move.
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@Staggfilms: [confession booth] ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share PRIEST: you forgot pride ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
@_ElvishPresley_: me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty? dentist: how are you talking out your nose
@Thynebear: Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he's driving them crazy? Me as a principal: Maybe