100% of divorces begin with marriage.
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Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.