Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.

I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.

abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails

if someone has a question, I do not want to know

my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?

A classic spooky scribbles now in color 🧙‍♀️

You better wish for more oil

no one:

my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?

I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.

[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?

i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix

Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:

Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan air

Where does it end?

Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots

Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.

High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.

Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.

I haven’t run out of receipt yet.

Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…

Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…

Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.

Feefiphobia.

Me: No more questions your honor

Judge: The lawyers say that, not you

[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down

Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.

BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]

BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN

HER: do you mind having period sex?

ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?

In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums

my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming

I watched The First Omen last night and I spent most of it hiding behind the sofa. I didn’t want my neighbour to see me in her living room.

I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.

Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.

Me: It’s an autobiography.

idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]

Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.

Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.