100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
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Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
I miss seein tweets like “last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day, Guantanamo Bay” who did that one
Holy moly
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
All I want for Christmas is my gross pay
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
