100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
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One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
The biggest lesson I learned while drunk is that one should never put the chips in the same cabinet as the cheese grater
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Blocking them isn’t enough. I hope they get unexpected guests.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Never date someone just for their body. Intros, conclusions, and section transitions matter.
felt that
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please