100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
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HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
I had to lay down on my bed to zip up my jeans this morning so I’m calling in thick today
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.
😬
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
dogs can find happiness so easily
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead