100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
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i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
For the orator and chef in all of us
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
I’m not sure why this works, but it does. LMAO
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.