Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.

Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.

Me: How dilated is she?

Nurse: 4 centimeters.

Me: This is America.

Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.

[1999]

“y2k” making us anxious

[2019]

“k” making us anxious

[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]

sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang

smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!

“Whoa nice car”

Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels

[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”

First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.

Women: You didn’t need that rule.

*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*

*posts photo of me washing dishes*

*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*

[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.

Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.

ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie

THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?

ME: Oh yeah

Them: The meek shall inherit the earth

the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good

You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.

COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.

I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.

I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.

Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario

My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.

The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.

[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth

… Eau DeTroit …

#RejectedPerfumeNames

She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.

becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer

Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning

Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?

Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.

I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.

More professions should have fantasy betting. One sec, babe. Gotta set my fantasy county commissioner lineup,

“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent

the only bumper sticker ill allow

People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence