Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma

just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”

[first date]

HER: i’m really into guys-

ME (eager to impress her): me too

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.

Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.

*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in this

Nurse: you’re not a patient here

I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”

Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.

Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do

*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again

I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food

Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this

I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.

~Late night couch potato dilemma

If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️

Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare

[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –

Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!

Me: – die.

joined a counterstrike game and no one was talking. second round i randomly meowed and a guy with the username “dog”, with a profile picture of a dog, called a vote kick and i was gone within 5 seconds. wtf lmao

dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why

If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.

The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”

[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]

Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand

*text alert*

me: i hope that’s my crush

pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today

angel: whatcha making?

god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger

OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here

I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.

what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness

My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk

Me: what about

January 2020: New year, new me.

May 2020: *primal scream*

OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.

I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!

–she did but she took my phone with her.