Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end

Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.

VS

Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”

I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.

I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.

I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?

(Husband asks to see my phone)

Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.

Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.

I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.

quarantine day 3

My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”

Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced

that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker

Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?

Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*

*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?

Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.

An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination

My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.

Body: time to sleep.

Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.

So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.

Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:

IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.

My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.

good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab

Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”

Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder

I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.

Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?

Don’t compare yourself with others. Everyone is better than you.

Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.

Her son is 6 ….

I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources

Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst