Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*in court*

judge [belches]: pardon

me: thank you!

Playing Rugby is a great way to meet new people, Paramedic’s … Nurses,…Orthopedic Surgeons.

“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”

The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.

Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake

NOBODY:

GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*

No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.

psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*

11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.

11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.

11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.

Smile they said.

me: you take your job a little too seriously

bouncer: *jumping up and down* what

Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?

Me: Why would I want another empty glass?

[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on

My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.

*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute

Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.

2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans

Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’

Pilot: welcome aboard

Fighter pilot: [right hook]

are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala

” Don’t be upset”

Thanks man , I needed to be told that

I’m better now.

*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*

Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers

It’s been a terrible year for burglars

I’m surprised to learn very few people wash their undies in the kitchen sink

Anyhow HR wants to have another “chat”

My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.

He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.

Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely

Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.

You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe